I’m sure you’ve heard of the many self-diagnosis out there. Some may think it’s a trend or fad. Being sad is better than being happy. For me, it’s something else. The trauma in my life that triggered this downward spiral was my parents divorce at thirteen.
Preteen years are such a fragile time for humans, and as such, the last thing we want to see is our parents separate. I sought connection through internet conversation that ended up being many strangers. I still don’t know who they are today.
It doesn’t matter. I grew up. I faced my demons head on, and now I’m “better,” or so I’d like to think. The scariest part of trying to tell others how you feel is the concern that crosses their face. Immediately, something is wrong with you. You need help. But maybe, if you’re like me, you need someone to understand.
Depression comes in waves. There are some days, even weeks, where I feel on top of the world. I’m happy, motivated, and fun. Then the guilt comes in. I’m ashamed of being who I’m or where I’m at in life. I wish I put more of an effort toward the things that make me happy. Self-loathing takes hold and I fantasize about the ways to kill myself.
The most painful part is watching my partner blame himself for my emotional state. He thinks that if I’m upset, it’s either something he’s done or can fix. When it is neither, he becomes worried and scared. He is justified in his reaction. Yet, almost always, my sadness is never because of something he did or didn’t do. It has to do with me.
A little over a decade later, I’m still figuring out how to deal with my emotions. The most cliche method I use is giving myself a pep-talk. I tell myself, that I’m worthy. I deserve respect. I’m smart. I’m beautiful. I take time to enjoy my lost childhood hobbies when I’m sad, like reading, playing piano, drawing, writing…
I enjoy the good times I have with the people I care about, even if it’s just one. Holding onto the negative surrounding will only deepen depression further. It’s always easier said than done, trust me. Smile, be positive and grateful. It’s quick to get trapped in your own thoughts, but I guarantee there is someone out there who’s thinking about you.
There are still times that all I want to do is sleep and lie in bed all day. There are moments I feel like dying. If you’re like me, the most important thing (and hardest thing) is to recognize when you’re starting to spiral out of control, and change it. You can take medicine, talk to professionals, use others as a crutch. At the end of the day, you are the controller of who you are. You can do this. I’m still doing it.