I’m sure you’ve heard of the many self-diagnosis out there. Some may think it’s a trend or fad. Being sad is better than being happy. For me, it’s something else. The trauma in my life that triggered this downward spiral was my parents divorce at thirteen.

Preteen years are such a fragile time for humans, and as such, the last thing we want to see is our parents separate. I sought connection through internet conversation that ended up being many strangers. I still don’t know who they are today.

It doesn’t matter. I grew up. I faced my demons head on, and now I’m “better,” or so I’d like to think. The scariest part of trying to tell others how you feel is the concern that crosses their face. Immediately, something is wrong with you. You need help. But maybe, if you’re like me, you need someone to understand.

Depression comes in waves. There are some days, even weeks, where I feel on top of the world. I’m happy, motivated, and fun. Then the guilt comes in. I’m ashamed of being who I’m or where I’m at in life. I wish I put more of an effort toward the things that make me happy. Self-loathing takes hold and I fantasize about the ways to kill myself.

The most painful part is watching my partner blame himself for my emotional state. He thinks that if I’m upset, it’s either something he’s done or can fix. When it is neither, he becomes worried and scared. He is justified in his reaction. Yet, almost always, my sadness is never because of something he did or didn’t do. It has to do with me.

A little over a decade later, I’m still figuring out how to deal with my emotions. The most cliche method I use is giving myself a pep-talk. I tell myself, that I’m worthy. I deserve respect. I’m smart. I’m beautiful. I take time to enjoy my lost childhood hobbies when I’m sad, like reading, playing piano, drawing, writing…

I enjoy the good times I have with the people I care about, even if it’s just one. Holding onto the negative surrounding will only deepen depression further. It’s always easier said than done, trust me. Smile, be positive and grateful. It’s quick to get trapped in your own thoughts, but I guarantee there is someone out there who’s thinking about you.

There are still times that all I want to do is sleep and lie in bed all day. There are moments I feel like dying. If you’re like me, the most important thing (and hardest thing) is to recognize when you’re starting to spiral out of control, and change it. You can take medicine, talk to professionals, use others as a crutch. At the end of the day, you are the controller of who you are. You can do this. I’m still doing it.

Posted by:Flora Ashe

Editor in Chief

4 replies on “Dealing with Depression

  1. I think you have some good points. Thank you for your share. I want to share something I’ve seen, in multiple venues, and has made me more aware of behaviors, even in the media. I used to coach soccer. At a game, one of my players was flipped upside down when he collided with another player. While lying on the ground, holding his leg, I told him to get up (Yes, I could see it wasn’t a serious injury, for then I would have rushed out to him.). He said, coach, I’m hurt. I said, I know. Get up. Then when he got up, I told him to get the ball back, which he did, and scored. When I checked with him on the sideline, he was very happy. At another game, some younger kids were playing on the sidelines. One girl slipped and fell. I looked at her. She looked at me. I said, you okay? And just as she was about to dust herself off, smiling, a lady came rushing in all worried and consoling. Only then did the girl begin to cry. In many schools, there’s a great effort regarding “feelings.” Yes, feelings are important, but in life, we learn not to preoccupy ourselves with every feeling, with everything that happens, because days will continue, we have responsibilities, and focusing on today and what we are presently doing, also where we are going, keeps us on track. I know many people have experienced tragedies and great difficulties, and it’s good to have friends, family, co-workers, and such to share burdens. At the same time, I’ve seen those who seem stuck, or remain in the past, unable to move on. Some, it’s clearly a great trauma they’ve experienced, and counselors and therapists, even pastors can help. However, I’ve also seen those who seem “determined” to remain in their unhappiness rather than take a chance on hope and the future. They seem stuck, and when they hear words of hope, don’t seem to rise up to reach it. Of course, it may take time, but I do wonder if the trend to keep looking back, keep remembering the past, doesn’t in some way also negate a hopeful future. Any thoughts?

    1. Thank you for your response! I like your observation of the two different children. It’s funny how you can see who through who they are at such a young age. I’m a thinker not a feeler, so I tend to try to rationalize my emotions when I’ve come to understand emotions are purely irrational. It’s important to recognize them, but letting them control my actions is something I constantly work on with myself. I know many people that seem to enjoy playing the victim, letting stress effect their mood, taking it out on others, complaining about everything, spreading negativity like a disease. I have gone through my self-loathing and I admit I’ve seen a couple psychiatrists seeking resolution when ultimately the true fix is working on yourself. When it comes to dwelling one’s own history, I’ve learned to accepted the actions I’ve taken and attempt to move past it. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says, “Should,” like, “You should’ve done this,” or “You should’ve listened to me.” To me, there is no point in thinking about what could’ve been done, rather what you could do next. I find that there are some people who find monetary success with never changing their outlook on life, but they never seem to be happy. Friends and family are great support, and I find they will try in earnest to make you feel better, but if you’re not willing to let go and move on, it’s only a matter of time before they may lose hope in your happiness as well.

  2. This is beautiful and relatable. I have also watched people I have dated feel guilty because I am depressed. It’s a little hard to take care of yourself while still ensuring people around don’t feel guilty.

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