people

In Understanding You

Health, Philosophy, Psychology, Social

Empathy is was makes you human. The ability to process other’s emotion and understand the source of their behavior is what advances society. When people are mean, domineering, and bullies, you search for a reason why, trying to figure out the reasoning behind being treated that way. Usually, it’s clear: those who are unhappy are mean. Those who are domineering are ashamed of who they are. Those who are insecure are bullies. Yet for some reason, when these traits are in the people you love, you find yourself defending them.

People are complex and emotional creatures. The battle for balance between thinking and feeling is dangerous to tread upon. Society has taught us that making decisions based on emotion verses logic is wrong, and in many instances, this is true, particularly when acting upon negativity. Working when stressed leads to making mistakes. Talking when angry comes out the wrong way. There are reactions you regret you did because you were trapped in a negative state of mind. Still, there are moments when your emotions are right because you decided based on a “gut feeling” rather than what you believed to be the most rational.  

Empathizing with others helps you learn to regulate your own emotions. Emotional regulation is important in that it allows you to manage what you are feeling, even in times of great stress, without becoming overwhelmed.

Importance and Benefits of Empathy By Kendra Cherry

The difference in these two decisions making processes in people is categorized in the following: Thinkers and Feelers. As in the name, thinkers value logic whereas feelers are ruled by emotion. Neither one is better than the other and they do in fact overlap. For instance, thinkers have deep emotions they aren’t particularly expressive about, and feelers think rationally too, using their understanding to base new opinions.

Given this information, half of the people you know and love have a completely different way of looking at things than you do. Often, these differences can lead to misunderstandings based on individual perception of how one should act. For instance, you may be a man who fully embraces his emotions and expresses them freely as they come, or you may be a girl who hides her true feeling because she’s unable to convey herself in coherent way. Many people you’ll experience in your life won’t understand the way you process emotions. Some might say you’re difficult to read, others might think you’re too dramatic.

When your mind is so busy with negative thoughts about you, then you don’t have the space to really be present for another person. Often people think they are empathetic but when you consider what are you thinking about when you are listening to the person, you may find that you are busy thinking about you.

The Importance of Empathy By Julie Fuimano

Understanding the people around you may in turn help you understand yourself. You may not know the root of every action, the cause behind every word, but you may come to realize the image you projected onto those you know aren’t who they fully are. This is particularly true with those who have destructive tendencies and toxic traits. Some people are mean because they have had a tough upbringing that haunts them for the rest of their lives. Others aren’t even consciously registering that their behavior is selfish. This doesn’t validate their behavior, but can help you accept that it isn’t your fault.

You get caught up in the image you hold in our mind, that you forget to look at the truth. You have flaws, broken bits, and issues you don’t want anyone to know about it. Next time, when someone does something that upsets you, take a step back and contemplate why they did what they did, what did you do to cause the situation to play out the way it did. Understanding will help you forgive, and forgiveness is what helps you move on.

Pride and People

Philosophy, Social

Humans are guilty for succumbing to the innate vices born within. While most of us know the seven deadly sins that derail us from our daily venture, we often neglect that they exist, believing that we aren’t wrong. Perhaps, the most difficult part of being a creature with emotion, is admitting when you’re wrong, especially when your pride is hurt.

Having pride in who you are isn’t necessarily a bad thing, rather it turns negative depending on the founding reason behind it. It’s natural, considering all that you’ve been through to achieve what you have, to convince yourself you know what’s best. The hardest may be admitting that in certain situations of which you’ve been wronged, that you weren’t exactly right.  

Out of the seven deadly sins: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth, I’ve found Pride to be the most psychology damaging. Pride takes away the faults you see in yourself. If you are unhappy and angry at the world, it’s because of everything else around. Your actions then morph around the idea that you are simply better or “different” than everyone else. Of course, you’d never say that, but it comes out in how you treat others.

A more genuine and stable self-worth is based upon validating, affirming, and valuing ourselves as we are. Self-worth is a function of living with dignity, which exists apart from any accomplishments. Achievements are ephemeral and can become a trap. If too much of our attention goes toward accomplishing bigger and better things in order to feel good, then we become addicted to external sources of gratification.

Why Pride Is Nothing to Be Proud Of by John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT

Two Types of Pride

Authentic pride. People who are confident, agreeable, hard-working, energetic, kind, empathetic, non-dogmatic, and high in genuine self-esteem would draw inspiration from others and would want to be emulated by others.

Hubristic pride. [People who are] associated with rocky relationships, low levels of conscientiousness and high levels of disagreeableness, neuroticism, narcissism, and poor mental health outcomes. [Their] subjective feelings of superiority and arrogance may facilitate dominance by motivating behaviors such as aggression, hostility, and manipulation.

Pride and Creativity by Scott Barry Kaufman

In seeing this, someone with hubristic pride would consider themselves to have authentic pride because ironically, it would be their pride that kept them from viewing themselves in a negative light. How do you know what type of pride you have then? Here are some signs:

  • Incessant need to teach others: You impose your way of learning onto others, rather than letting them find their own way. You genuinely feel as though it’s helpful, “sharing your knowledge,” but doing it consistently, particularly when others don’t ask, is a form of asserting your dominance and superiority.
  • Ignore advice: Despite all you debate about regarding a decision or situation, you don’t consider the words of others because understanding other people’s perspective is not of value to you. You talk about it only to self affirm you’re right.
  • Constantly Critical: You point out the negatives in people and their actions, yet these critiques don’t apply to you. It makes you feel better to point out the faults in others because of the shame you feel for your own.
  • Obsessed with Aesthetics: Vanity is a type of pride. When you equate your physical appearance to self-worth, you demand the attention of others. You want affirmation and attention to feel of value. You find passive aggressive ways to make others feel guilty about your condition like, “You could be fit like me,” or “I look so fat.”  
  • Avoiding efforts of communication: Holding grudges, resentment, and cutting people out of your life are all evidence that you have hubristic pride. By ignoring people, you deem them not worth your time, disregarding them as a person and labeling them as inferior.

In the divided opinions of today, people are quick to label others without understanding their perspective. There is a right and wrong, and if someone doesn’t agree with what that means to you, then they’re immediately lesser. We all deserve to be treated with respect, so we must treat others respectfully. In letting go of superiority and accepting humanity for what it is, we uncover the truth about ourselves.

Freedom, Independence, and Loneliness

Philosophy, Social

Outside, the sun shines through clouds, tempting those stuck behind a window, wishing they could feel it on their skin. As a prisoner of responsibility, one is never free of anything. There is always something keeping you back. When we think of freedom we think of it as having the capability to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Of course, the case isn’t true with the average person: there’s work, family, pets, bills, and so much more that we’re responsible for.


Freedom consists of three main principles:

1. The absence of human coercion or restraint preventing one from choosing the alternatives one would wish.

2. The absence of physical constraints in natural conditions which prevent one from achieving one’s chosen objectives.

3. The possession of the means or the power to achieve the objective one chooses of one’s own volition.

Rashan John, Pathanamthitta, Kerala, India

What happens when you don’t feel free? You feel helpless, ashamed, weak, and hateful. Worse, it’s a feeling that you don’t often recognize. I know, because I’ve been there. Out of the three principles of freedom, I’ve felt most influenced by human coercion. Then again, who hasn’t? We all have family members or friends who tell us what we “should” and “should not” do. Everyone thinks they know better and constantly impose their way of thinking onto you.

At first, you’re rebellious, but after countless comments and hours of influence, you give in and become a person you never wanted to be in the first place. Better than that, you’re not allowed to dislike it. You’re not allowed to oppose others on how you want to be or act for they “know better.” You’re told that this it’s good for you, that these people care about you. In losing your ability to say no, you become miserable because you never thought you’d end up the way others wanted you to be.

Most people aren’t free, so they don’t want you to be. Your dream isn’t realistic because someone older and wiser couldn’t achieve theirs. You should care about making money more than doing what makes you happy because that’s what everyone else did. You can’t do what you want because you have other responsibilities. When you give into these notions, you normalize the negativity and spread it to others.

For a while, I thought freedom and independence were symbiotic. If I gained independence from others and control over my life, I’d be free. While it’s true that these two things coincide with one another, there’s a fine line to walk along when trying to find yourself without losing relationships. The pursuit can be lonely. Loneliness is life threating to a person’s psychological and physical state. A person can feel lonely in a room full of people, in a marriage or family. Being lonely means to feel disconnected, unable to share your thoughts.

“That solitude which we often lament in our life with others betrays our misunderstanding of its meaning. We live together failing to recognize what unites us. Thus even the smallest offense becomes a pretense for breaking down the bonds of trust.”

2019 An Epidemic of Loneliness

It’s difficult to share the pain with others. Especially the type of pain that comes with feeling out of control of your life. There are so many things we are all blessed with, and to express some negativity about how you feel in your current state, makes you feel guilty. You convince yourself that everyone around you is right and you are wrong, thus disconnecting from them because they couldn’t possibly understand.

Take Control of Your Life.

Humans have limits. If we aren’t capable of knowing our limit, our body will do it for us. Breaking the hold of those keeping us back is a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough just to set yourself free. You need the support of the ones you love once you make your decision. Without people to share your highs and lows, you can feel lonely. But your loneliness is dependent on you. People do want to listen. They want to help. There are those out there who do love you and any decision you make. You have to just have to allow them to.  

The Relationship’s Emotional Rock

Social

Love relies on compromise and nurture. Through the lifetime of any relationship, there’s give and take between the parties involved romantically. Emotions are a touchy subject, particularly between two people. One person may feel like they’re putting in all the effort, supporting their partner emotionally. The other may feel like the connection is lost all together.

Over time, two people can disconnect because they feel the love and attachment fades within a marriage or relationship. We are human. We feel emotion. Still, so many of us ignore that part of ourselves, and in turn, disregard it in others. Romance is more than lust and attraction, it’s support and intimacy, emotionally and physically. Here are a few tips to emotional stability within relationships:

The important thing is that you gently communicate your feelings, so you both know where you stand and so you can figure out how best to help one another deal with the situation.

Emotionally Supporting Your Partner by Barton Goldsmith Ph.D.
  1. Touch Each Other: People need human touch, and in certain circumstances, a loving embrace works better to communicate than words. When your partner is upset and frustrated, even touching their hand or arm could put them at ease.
  2. Communicate and Listen: Both men and women want to be heard. We all want to express ourselves and have our feelings validated. It’s hard to remember, as a partner, that we don’t have to give our opinion in every situation, rather we should provide our support in whatever our loved ones are going through.
  3. Deal with Stress Together: Stress is a catalyst for negative emotions. When one thing goes wrong, so does everything else, as it would seem. This takes a toll on everyone involved and is completely unavoidable. The best way to handle it is together, with open lines of communication and compassion.
  4. Take Care of Yourself: In a relationship, both parties have to work on fixing each other’s issues together. Yet, sometimes we get so involved with helping those around us, we forget to take care of our needs. Love and partnership helps in making yourself a better person, but self-care is still necessary for long term mental health.
  5. Emotions are Handled Differently: Depending on how a person was raised and their genetic make-up, humans all express themselves in their own ways. As you spend more time with someone, you’ll notice what their ticks are, based on what they’re feeling. Through observation before action, a person can infer a situation by a person’s body language.

Men release less Oxycontin than women when they are stressed, meaning they have a stronger reaction from both cortisol and epinephrine. [Women nurture] those around them in an effort to both protect themselves and their young. Men [are] more likely to have the “fight or flight” response when it comes to stress – either repressing their emotions and trying to escape the situation, or fighting back.

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR PARTNER’S STRESS Posted by: Team Tony

We are flawed, imperfect beings with irrational emotions, and intellectual minds. The emotional rock in a relationship is handed back and forth. Sometimes, you’ll be the one that needs a shoulder to lean on. Other times, you’ll be the shoulder that is leaned upon. Beyond physical pleasure, the joy and beauty in being with another person is having someone to go through it all, together.

Finding Friends in 2019

Social

In growing older, moving away, and entering relationships, developing friendships becomes increasingly more difficult. The workplace is an excellent path to meeting new people, and so is being outgoing and attending local events. Yet, what about people we aren’t as antiquated with the social nuances of simple small talk?

Even being surrounded by so many others, a person can feel lonely. I’ve struggled to maintain the relationships I’ve had with current friends while also finding couples that can work my marriage. With adulthood encroaching and the daily stress of responsibility, it’s easy to get swept into the mundane.

As I’ve aged, I’ve found myself reaching out to those I’ve disconnected with and abandoned for selfish reasons. Misinterpretation of betrayal and the guilt of being a bad friend had led me to distance myself from those who cared. The only thing I could do was apologize and hope for some understanding.

When meeting new people, I’ve found the harder you search, the less you’ll find. There have been women I’ve met who I thought we could be friends, and yet nothing came of that. There have been others who I assume like me, but I can’t find the energy to get out of the house. I’m constantly between wanting to run away and finding myself craving the social company of someone I can be around. It’s a frustrating matter.

Finding friends doesn’t always mean searching. Sometimes, you’ll go to an event and met a complete stranger that you click with. Sometimes, you need to make the first step. I’ve overwhelmed others with the way I want to get in there 100%. In my experience, it’s a lot like dating, without the romance. Like some, I waited for people to come to me. Now, I try to engage in conversation with anyone who’s willing to converse.

I’m still not as good as I should be in keeping up with communicating with people from the past. But I’ll always have fond memories of my personal encounters, and I hope that they will too.

Falling in Love Online

Social

I grew up in the generation of emerging internet and uninformed parents. My parents were going through a divorce when I entered middle school. With emotion and hormones coursing through my veins, I sought love and understanding from an outside source: the internet.

Nowadays, it’s the norm to converse, flirt, and engage with complete strangers. Phone apps and websites make these interactions appear “safe.” What exactly is safe about it? I’ve used such means of meeting potential lovers, and for me, they all ended in disappointment.

From the age thirteen to twenty, I always had an “internet relationship.” In fact, I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I met my husband, which happened in our Rhetoric Composition class at college (not online). In many ways, my formative years with online lovers hindered me in meeting someone real.

Of course, I had many other person issues that I had to overcome, but I was also stuck believing that the internet was a real place to fall in love. The problem with meeting someone online before you meet them in real life is that you fall for the idea you have of a person, not the actual person.

With a medium of text and photos, your mind forms an ideal image of what this person is, rather than who they are. Often, when you meet said person from the internet, they’re almost always not what you expected. You give them a try anyway, because otherwise all that time and energy you spent on them was for nothing.

I’m sure there are success stories out there, and I don’t discount the possibility to find your “perfect match” online, but meeting someone first, in real life, triumphs over imagination on an LCD screen. When you meet someone in person, there are countless, subconscious signals that come into play: body language, pheromones, chemistry, and gut reaction.

People need people in person. Dating apps and websites aren’t a free service, they are monetized and made to profit. If you’re lonely and want to find love, deactivate those accounts, and go meet someone doing an activity you enjoy. Love cannot be mimicked by a phone, it’s only masked.

Although I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I not engaged with faceless strangers on the internet, it’s important for me to not regret my past decisions. What matters most to me is that the love I have now is real. We met at a physical place in time, knowing immediately we were meant to be without anything between.

Being an Introvert in an Extroverted Society

Personality

The difference between an introvert and an extrovert isn’t how well they act in front of others, it’s how they recharge. Introverts need to be alone to recharge, extroverts recharge by being social. Neither way is better than the other, and often times, these traits overlap. Introverts can be fluently social to the point others perceive them as extroverts. Extroverts can be private about are able to spend many hours alone, appearing reserve.

It is true though that most jobs require people to use their extroverted side. Regardless of the industry, employers want friendly faces, outgoing personalities, and good communicators. These are all important skills to hone in on. The introvert can master these skills, but they will ultimately feel drained by it by the end of the day.

Then, there are also the extroverts that push introverts to “get out more,” as though there is a right and wrong way to spend free time. Extroverts can make introverts feel guilty about wanted to spend the weekend at home. In return, the rebellion of the introvert will push those types of people away, and although they enjoy being alone, people need people.

Just like Yin & Yang, opposites attract, and these two opposite personalities often collide. There is an attraction the another way of thinking. Learning to balance the different lifestyles is a captivating process.

Being an introvert myself, the thing I’ve struggled with most is finding a career that doesn’t make me want to curl up into a ball after. Work is work, and not all of it should be fun, but it also shouldn’t kill you. I’ve been a salesperson, technician, administrative assistant, and farmer. Out of them all, the one with the least amount of people has made me most happy. This could be entirely different for an extrovert. They would love the different human interactions, daily connections, and getting to know different types of life.

If you are an extrovert, you’ve got an advantage. You’ve got the confidence and skills to socialize that a lot of us don’t. As an extrovert, it’s also important to remember that it’s okay if someone doesn’t stimulate the same way you do. Your introvert friends still like you, they just really need their alone time.

For those introverts out there, it is important to have excellent interpersonal skills, but it’s something that we’re always going to have to be working toward. Don’t feel guilty for being “shy” and “reserve.” It’s easy for others to categorize introverts and assume they just don’t like people.

There’s a balance between everything and everyone. There’s a reason that we have different personalities and we’re different people. There can’t be one without the other. Luckily, we’re able to live at time that we can find personalities that are unlike ours and know them. It’s a small world, filled with lots of people.

Dealing with Depression

Health

I’m sure you’ve heard of the many self-diagnosis out there. Some may think it’s a trend or fad. Being sad is better than being happy. For me, it’s something else. The trauma in my life that triggered this downward spiral was my parents divorce at thirteen.

Preteen years are such a fragile time for humans, and as such, the last thing we want to see is our parents separate. I sought connection through internet conversation that ended up being many strangers. I still don’t know who they are today.

It doesn’t matter. I grew up. I faced my demons head on, and now I’m “better,” or so I’d like to think. The scariest part of trying to tell others how you feel is the concern that crosses their face. Immediately, something is wrong with you. You need help. But maybe, if you’re like me, you need someone to understand.

Depression comes in waves. There are some days, even weeks, where I feel on top of the world. I’m happy, motivated, and fun. Then the guilt comes in. I’m ashamed of being who I’m or where I’m at in life. I wish I put more of an effort toward the things that make me happy. Self-loathing takes hold and I fantasize about the ways to kill myself.

The most painful part is watching my partner blame himself for my emotional state. He thinks that if I’m upset, it’s either something he’s done or can fix. When it is neither, he becomes worried and scared. He is justified in his reaction. Yet, almost always, my sadness is never because of something he did or didn’t do. It has to do with me.

A little over a decade later, I’m still figuring out how to deal with my emotions. The most cliche method I use is giving myself a pep-talk. I tell myself, that I’m worthy. I deserve respect. I’m smart. I’m beautiful. I take time to enjoy my lost childhood hobbies when I’m sad, like reading, playing piano, drawing, writing…

I enjoy the good times I have with the people I care about, even if it’s just one. Holding onto the negative surrounding will only deepen depression further. It’s always easier said than done, trust me. Smile, be positive and grateful. It’s quick to get trapped in your own thoughts, but I guarantee there is someone out there who’s thinking about you.

There are still times that all I want to do is sleep and lie in bed all day. There are moments I feel like dying. If you’re like me, the most important thing (and hardest thing) is to recognize when you’re starting to spiral out of control, and change it. You can take medicine, talk to professionals, use others as a crutch. At the end of the day, you are the controller of who you are. You can do this. I’m still doing it.