I haven’t been writing recently
Which typically means that I am either really happy
Or depressed
All too often the answer is both

At a certain threshold that cannot truly be defined
But involves heartbreak of different flavors
and pain finding unique places to put holes in your spirit
that you weren’t sure even existed until they were compromised

And over time
Joy no longer exists in its own; two for the price of one
Every moment of big smiles and bursting heart
Comes with a side of grief or an awareness that all of this will go away
or simply a reminder that, no, they aren’t here anymore

I’ve tried to stop having expectations
for all things – people (especially), how my life will go, how my life won’t go
It didn’t serve me and was a self created slap in the face about the things I cannot control
But when something is good for you and the entire system isn’t
It’s a constant practice to unlearn so much sometimes
and we are only human after all

And the cumulative pressure and simple expenditure of energy really adds up
The pressure valve can burst right along with my self awareness and ability to be present
and my peace of mind and my knowledge that how they deal with their pain is not about me
and how far I have come with my own pain

I recognize myself less so I also just look in the mirror less
And the delicious taste of self indulgent pity and the solace of the black hole of my bed
become dangerously close to a state of potential permanence
And it happens so fast and all too quickly
that one of the many people I am grieving is myself

And these things take time
And I choose to give myself grace
People die or they leave anyway and I know now that when they do that feelings stay
And I choose to stop creating my own problems
When I know all too well that life does just fine with that
without the help of my own violent hand or twisted mind

And this pain that I carry
Doesn’t always need to make me heavier
It does at first and it always will at first
and it’s been fifteen years and I still can’t hear that song

But I feel this way because oh my god I feel this way
I feel
Everything
I love oh so hard so deep so much and that is why I am alive
And it is how I remember in the dark and scary places that I’m not actually dying
And I get to choose to live.

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L. Gerard is the pen name of author Lauren Bobersky. She uses this pen name in honor of her father Gerard Bobersky, who died in 2006. She lives in Brooklyn with her cat, Finn.